Oh, hell. I dunno. It has been more than two years now since our breakup. I still hunger for him. My heart still skips a beat if I hear his name spoken. I still live my life according to whether “he would like this” or “what would he think of that.”
Sometimes….I catch a glimpse of him. In the shape of someone else’s jaw. In the glint off someone’s spectacles. In the shape of an upright, muscular stance. In the shape of someone’s hand, with long strong fingers. Quite sub-consciously, I find myself then looking for an arm attached to this hand that should be fair with fine straight hair. Or take a tall man… I look down to see whether he has big feet, well-shaped with neatly clipped toenails. I look up to see fierce moustaches…but they belong to someone else. HE belongs to someone else.
There is no specified time period for when one “gets over” someone. I wish love came with a goddamned manual, but it doesn’t! Each one of us must complete our grieving cycle in our own way and in our own time. What I do know is that it becomes much easier to wade through this morass with a smile…learn to smile again and a laugh will not be too far away. And in that laughter, you learn to live again.
Cry it out of your system; don’t bottle it up. Don’t resort to cheap tricks like alcohol, drugs or sleeping around. Those things deaden the pain but they don’t take it away. Giving up, harming yourself, is not an option. Do not be afraid to take a kind, helping hand when it comes your way and, mark my words – by this I do not mean that you get into a rebound relationship! What I mean is it is okay to talk to a stranger…if you’re the introvert type, learn to open up coz otherwise this sorrow will be eating you up from the inside. Strangers share their own pain and that makes you feel you are not alone in your suffering. Friends, however well meaning, can be irritating oft times as they say: “Oh, it’s been more than two years, get over it!” Pray – how?? Do you think I choose to live my life hankering after a memory? Do you think I choose to love somebody who clearly does not love me enough?
I met a lovely Swedish guy while travelling soon after the breakup was still very raw. And I was frustrated that I had taken off on my travels, spent so much time and money and yet, I couldn’t get the bugger out of my head! And it was the Swede who gently pointed out to me that I loved this man so much, the feelings were so intense, it was but natural I would think of him and I shouldn’t force myself into something I’m not internally ready for. That was so simple and yet so profound – I remember staring at the dude with my mouth agape. It doesn’t matter; let him be there in your mind if he must. But also accept that it’s over, he’s not coming back. And move on with your life facing that acceptance.
So talk, weep, keep loving him if you must but if, like me, you find two or three years of your life have gone by and you have nothing to show for it then it’s time to give yourself a deadline. Hey – I’m a writer, I talk in deadlines!
Smile now. Remember: “There are miles to go before we sleep.”
